Do you know how hard I have to work to be more ridiculous than reality?

This is the story. Lemmy original, check my history by posts.

Enjoy!

“Shoot his balls!”

I’m on another list somewhere now, I can feel it.

I was invited to an orgy on a yacht this year, so maybe it’s just certain areas.

Mine are teens now, here are a few pointers:

Let them help with the dishes/garbage/sweeping. I know they’ll make a bigger mess now, but in a few years they take well to chores.

When they start asking questions, always treat them with respect like they’re a smart person who’s missing a chunk of knowledge.

How you respond to falls and failures shapes their lives. When they fall, ask if they need help up. If they ask if it’s okay, say it’s going to be okay. When they mess up, ask if they can help you clean up without going into blame, other than discussing how to avoid that in the future.

Imagine if a great artist had some notebook sketches, and his son finger-painted all over them and then tried to sell them.

Would one of those “Hate is not welcome here” signs prevent them from entering, or does that depend on if the vampire hates their victim? I don’t hate the cow in my cheeseburger, so I’m guessing not.

Why dream when it can be recorded for you!

Yeah, how much did you lose?

That’s not what your mom said.

I once was taking a nice old man to the hospital, when he stopped breathing. I gave him a second and tried to rouse him, and he was pretty stubborn about it, but he still had a weak pulse. I called to my partner.

“Hey, how close are we to the hospital?”

“About 5 minutes, why?”

“Well, he’s not breathing. So if you hit any traffic, hit the lights, will you?”

I bagged him for about 3-4 minutes. Traffic was light, and we were making pretty good time, so we decided not to freak anybody out. The guy came to, and looked confused.

“What happened,” he asked.

“You stopped breathing, so I was breathing for you.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

“You are very welcome.”

He’s still the only person who ever said thank you when I tried to save their life.

I’m just one, simple man with his crystal ball and a knife with virgin blood on it.

Some of the earlier stuff is more creative in my opinion.

😁

Atlanta is the Delta hub; I try to make the location relevant. Like the new drone article… there’s a drone base outside Sugarland. Shhhh, don’t tell. 🙂

Leo helps detangle bizarro satire from bizarro reality.

There are no smoking signs all over, but you’ll never see a no exploding sign on a plane.

I was going to create a 5-4-3-2-1-BOOM plan for the liquids you can carry on, but the article ran a bit long.

Leo had a scheduling conflict he had to untangle.