RICHMOND, Va. — Several ICE agents had their internal organs forcibly removed during a recent raid on the Slave Pit, home of the extraterrestrial rock band GWAR, confirmed absolutely horrified sources.
“The band was in the middle of our weekly cocaine-orgy/seafood boil when these ICE chodes stormed the Slave Pit claiming we were illegal aliens and threatening to deport us back to our home planet of Scumdoggia,” said GWAR vocalist Blothar the Berserker. “Obviously, these jerkoffs had no idea who they were messing with. I grabbed one of these ICE guys and ripped his spleen out through his dick while the rest of the band went to work on the other ‘agents.’ Then we used their hollowed-out skulls as toilets because anyone stupid enough to fuck with GWAR has to have shit for brains.”
Aw man! That headline started off so optimistic! Then it shifted into total absurdity.
I was hoping swarms of people were swarming ICE, and killing them.
I was like YAAAAAY!!!
Then I was like …oh.
I will not feel one bit of sympathy if ICE gets killed doing ICE things.
It’s Gwar, they’ve been doing topical onstage murders since I was in diapers. The most surprising thing was that this was an Onion article. Are they just stealing bits now?
I don’t think ABC is going to pick this one up, the satire press seems like a fitting place to report it.
*thehardtimes